Looking back at day-to-day deployment

What was most surprising for you about the day-to-day dealing with deployment?

What I found surprising and something I really wasn't prepared for was the 24/7 fear. It was a fear I hadn't experienced before. As a mother, I have a certain degree of fear for my children's well being every day, but it was nothing like the 24/7 fear I had for my husband's - well, let's be honest here - his life. It wasn't paralyzing or something I dwelled on but instead something that was always present and aching.

John was outside the wired on an almost daily basis. Suicide bombers, IEDs, rocket attacks...fear seemed to clench my jaw - sometimes to a degree that I could barely open my mouth and pain would shoot from my jaw up through my head. (Thank goodness I had an understanding dentist!) The fear also seemed to take hold of my dreams where I almost nightly would drive uncontrollably off a curved road and down a mountain. To this day, I have difficulty driving on curves or hills without a degree of panic.

What were you most thankful for to get you through the day-to-day?

Webcams and Microsoft Messenger! Being able to see John almost daily and at times twice a day was a Godsend. Another was the time difference - we were almost 12 hours apart, so when we were getting up, he was winding down and when we were getting ready for bed, he was getting started with his day. One of the advantages of Microsoft Messenger was that it would indicate when John was online. If I could see him all of a sudden be online, I remember thinking "okay, right now he is alive."

However, there were disadvantages as well. I could see immediately if he was stressed beyond the normal stress and exhaustion. Because his room was also his office I also became aware of the dangers - a sudden report of a potential suicide bombers (my question - why do they all drive Toyotas), or a "gotta go" and a slam of the laptop when the FOB was rocketed.