What you feel is what you feel

One of the most valuable pieces of advice I received in pre-deployment training was "what you feel is what you feel." There isn't a right or a wrong of it...it just is. As we go through life, how many times have we said "Oh, you shouldn't feel that way." to a friend or a loved one - or even worse, had it said to us. But this IS how we feel - no right or wrong or any amount of reasoning can seem to change the feeling...it just is

As I mentioned in previous posts, I felt fear every day of John's deployment. Some days the fear was a dull ache and some days it felt like terror. I think of all the feelings I felt during deployment, fear was the constant. And fear unfortunately was the fear of what might happen today coupled with the fear of what if my worst fears come true.

I think that reintegration poses a new challenge to the "what you feel is what you feel." I think we all want the fairy tale when our loved one comes home. The relief, the happiness, the love...that initial euphoria that happens the moment he or she steps on American soil - the culmination of that year of fear turned into the happy ending tied up in a pretty bow. However, reintegration has the same type of roller coaster of emotions and feelings that deployment does - except that now, not only your feelings but also your soldier's feelings are taking the ride together.

When John was deployed my coworkers used to comment that they didn't know if they would get "happy Mere" or "snappy Mere." And quite frankly, I really didn't care what they thought - I just needed to get through the day with my family intact. I was the only adult in my house and my feelings were for the most part just mine to deal with - if I was exhausted, or frightened, or happy I just tried to protect my kids from the bad feelings and dealt on my own with the negative ones. I could gage John's feelings from our webcam chats and his tone or tension, his highs or lows, often dictated how my feelings would be.

Reintegration is a much longer roller coaster than the "boots on ground" portion of deployment. I think the biggest fantasy is that it is 30-60-90 days long. I don't think either of us really started processing what happened throughout the deployment until almost 9 months after he got home. I was surprised by how much I had to process as well. It's a journey we are both still on.

The biggest challenge to both of us in the same house is that now there are times when my "what you feel is what you feel" butts heads with his "what you feel is what you feel." It's hardest when his highs coincide with my lows or vice versa...and we seem to be on very different rides. I think that the worst thing that happens when we are this way, are the times - you know, I bet you've done it - when you take the bait and you say or act the way that is the exact opposite of what you really should do. I guess that is human nature, but I've tried to grow up and learn those times and not take the bait, but alas, I have failed...too many times.

If you ever feel like your "what you feel is what you feel" is butting heads with your loved one's "what you feel is what you feel" ...step back, take a deep breath, bite your tongue, and be there to celebrate the highs and support the lows. You don't ever want to be in the situation where the person you love the most, feels like you are the person that cares the least.

That is the "what you feel" that you never want to feel.

Looking back at day-to-day deployment

What was most surprising for you about the day-to-day dealing with deployment?

What I found surprising and something I really wasn't prepared for was the 24/7 fear. It was a fear I hadn't experienced before. As a mother, I have a certain degree of fear for my children's well being every day, but it was nothing like the 24/7 fear I had for my husband's - well, let's be honest here - his life. It wasn't paralyzing or something I dwelled on but instead something that was always present and aching.

John was outside the wired on an almost daily basis. Suicide bombers, IEDs, rocket attacks...fear seemed to clench my jaw - sometimes to a degree that I could barely open my mouth and pain would shoot from my jaw up through my head. (Thank goodness I had an understanding dentist!) The fear also seemed to take hold of my dreams where I almost nightly would drive uncontrollably off a curved road and down a mountain. To this day, I have difficulty driving on curves or hills without a degree of panic.

What were you most thankful for to get you through the day-to-day?

Webcams and Microsoft Messenger! Being able to see John almost daily and at times twice a day was a Godsend. Another was the time difference - we were almost 12 hours apart, so when we were getting up, he was winding down and when we were getting ready for bed, he was getting started with his day. One of the advantages of Microsoft Messenger was that it would indicate when John was online. If I could see him all of a sudden be online, I remember thinking "okay, right now he is alive."

However, there were disadvantages as well. I could see immediately if he was stressed beyond the normal stress and exhaustion. Because his room was also his office I also became aware of the dangers - a sudden report of a potential suicide bombers (my question - why do they all drive Toyotas), or a "gotta go" and a slam of the laptop when the FOB was rocketed.

If you were to give advice to a spouse about to have a loved one deploy, what would your advice be?

• Don't watch the news...or the View - it will either make you scared or piss you off.
• You will find there are those people that get deployment and what you are going through and there will be those that don't. Seek out those that get it. Don't worry about those that don't.
• Only worry about getting through today.
• Have some fun.
• Take time to pamper yourself.
• Enjoy total control of the remote and dvr.
• Give yourself a break - give yourself permission to not always be or to not always react your best. Deployment is stressful.
• Make the choice to use this as an opportunity to make your family and your marriage stronger. Let it guide your choices and decisions.

Those that get it and those that don't...

We had a couple over last week who are in their final months of preparing for deployment. They came by to talk, to vent, and to get some advice for surviving the experience. One of the things we all talked about and we all understood immediately was the phenomenon of "those that get it and those that don't."

This has to be one of the greatest life lessons that I experienced throughout the experience from pre-deployment to reintegration, and there is probably not a week that goes by that John and I don't experience it in some way. You know what I mean - the people that get it - you just know by talking to them that you aren't getting a line or a half-hearted effort. They just get it.

As I think throughout my life experiences - losing a parent, dealing with cancer, going through divorce, losing a loved one to suicide, being a parent - each one of those experiences was almost like joining a secret club. But you don't know you are a member until you've gone through it. Then almost magically when you find another club member you have this immediate bond that is hard to explain to those not in the club but so easy to understand when you are in it. Deployment is another of those clubs.

I initially thought that everyone would "get" deployment. Initially I didn't see it as another "club." Maybe because we were all Americans and we were at war and and of course, everyone would be there, be supportive, be patriotic, be understanding.

Ahhh...if only. What was more accurate was no matter what - whether it was family members, neighbors, coworkers, The Guard, family support, news organizations, the public...the list could go on and on - there were "those that get it and those that don't." My deployment club was a journey and I found people in each of the above categories that were members - the challenge was finding who those members were. Some members happened right away and others became members along the way. Deployments aren't cookie cutter and the challenges of each deployment makes for different clubs.

My advice to anyone is to seek out "those that get it" and concentrate your efforts there. When you find those people that become a part of your club, treasure them. They will be there to lend a hand, or lend an ear, and you will feel better just knowing that they are there if you need. As far as the others, - just don't worry about the "those that don't." They won't get it and it's not your job to change them or make them see the light. You've got enough on your plate the way it is.

Ah, those resolutions...

I was making a list of my New Year's resolutions for 2010. As I was writing down the projects I wanted to complete, I noticed how many of the projects on my list were carried over from when my hero was deployed.

When planning for deployment, I just knew without my hero around that I would be able to accomplish all those things that were harder to do while he was in the way. I knew I would have the time to update all the photo albums and write wonderful, witty captions. His scrapbook from his time in Afghanistan would be cleverly put into a scrapbook for his homecoming. The house would be stunning with new paint inside (and the color choices could be all mine!) and the new roof on the outside...yea right...

I was busy all right - but what I had forgotten was everything while he was gone was now my responsibility. The lawn, the house, the laundry, the kids, the rental property, the cars, the in-laws...all were up to me. And while I felt I did a lot of it when he was here, it just seemed more so while he was gone.

I also was so excited to have total control (except for the kids' tv) of the remotes. Yes, the DVR was mine! Every chick flick movie, every eye-rolling sitcom would be mine once the kids were in bed! What I hadn't planned on was being so exhausted every night by the time I put the kids in bed.

As it turns out, the only big project that was completed was the roof. The photo albums...on my list for 2010. The scrapbook - maybe a nice birthday present for this July...

So what about my deployment year resolutions...while the projects are now jumping on this year's resolution list, we did accomplish the most important thing on my list. We survived and came out of it with a stronger marriage and a stronger family.

So carrying those projects onto another year's list - I guess it's not so bad!